Comments on: Book Review: How to improve your marriage without talking about it

By: Brad

Brad — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:45:39 +0000

One very important subject that is not taught and studied to/by all students in school, which should be, is human behavior.
Jacque Fresco from The Venus Project really opened my eyes to how people behave and how to go about treating one to get the results one wants. He has spent over 60 years studying animal and human behavior. He would join groups like the kkk and the technocracy movement, and he would try to learn why they think the way they do, then he would show them with examples why they think the way they do and he would dissolve the groups. Very interesting stuff.
You should check out some of his books and videos. There are lots on youtube, some on amazon, and you can find all of them on the research center website: thevenusproject.com

By: Adam Williamson

Adam Williamson — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:55:54 +0000

“Their reasoning is that men feel the need to protect and by saying something isn’t going right, they feel shame. So the minute you say “we need to talk”, they get flooded with hormones that make them anxious and shameful. Women, according to the authors, feel the need to connect and when something isn’t going right they usually feel fear, primarily fear of abandonment.”
You could look at the bright side and be happy you’re not a gay guy. In my experience both people in a gay male relationship tend to exhibit both qualities at once, all the time. so you both frequently feel the need to ‘have a talk’ with the other while simultaneously going all brittle and defensive as soon as it actually happens…=)

By: stormy

stormy — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:39:10 +0000

Thanks for the recommendations. Have you read Gottman’s Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child? If it was available on the Kindle I’d buy it now. (I’m leaving town tomorrow and the library doesn’t have it.)

By: Selena Deckelmann

Selena Deckelmann — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:29:13 +0000

I’ve found John Gottman’s books and research to be fantastic resources. They’re researched-based – from video studies he did of couples arguing (predicting whether couples would get divorced from a single conversation/argument about a difficult topic), and from his counseling practice. I’ve also read _The Passionate Marriage_, which is a bit further out in left field, uses strong language and isn’t shy about talking about sex, but does a great job of describing some of the difficulties that couples have ‘differentiating’ (and offering great suggestions for evolving/fixing problems), while at the same time having a cohesive marriage.

By: tm

tm — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:15:58 +0000

ah sorry, the first sentence was not meant to have poor man twice

By: tm

tm — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:15:27 +0000

“we need to talk” certainly sets tone
how about just talking instead of scaring the poor man with a vague title, flooding that poor man with hormones that make them anxious and shameful?
I found another book on couples very refreshing: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mating-Captivity-Lies-Domestic-Bliss/dp/0340943734).