How to run a support center nobody will want to call

How to run a support center nobody will want to call: [If you have any suggestions on how to improve this list, please let us know.]

• Reassure customers right at the beginning that their problem is very simple and you’ll solve it in just a few minutes.
• Require them to install support software on their computer before you will even listen to their problem. They might not be able to accurately describe it, so you need to see it. They will need to get their own internet connection working in order to do this.
• If you have a perfectly acceptable name like Amit or Sarita, change it to something like David or Mary. It’s fun to see if you can really fool customers by adopting an accent to match the name.
• Make up new words for letters. So if you are spelling words, don’t use the standard Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, use new words like Papa. Papa is an endearing term used by kids to refer to their grandparents so it will bring back good memories for your customers and they will think more highly of you.
• If your customer starts to lose her temper, calm her down by using terms of endearment like "sweetie" and "honey".
• If at any time your customer asks to speak to a supervisor, explain to them that you are working on their problem and that your boss couldn’t possibly help them.
• If your customer is getting really worked up, telling them they are stupid or don’t get it will usually silence them for a few seconds.
• There’s a 50% chance that your customer is on a cell phone. If that’s the case, and they are being problematic, you can tell them continuously that you are having a hard time hearing them. Most customers will hang up after a while.
• Do not ever give out your direct email. Inform customers that receiving an email from them might take up to two days to get through the central mailbox and then to you.
• End all calls with "God Bless".